As I focused more and more on the life I wanted to live I began making token efforts to simplify and focus on the things that mattered most. My relationships, my physical health, and my overall happiness. On the outside things looked great. My son Graham was born a week after we moved We were making tons of friends in our new neighborhood, I ran a full marathon. A 26.2 mile run is something I never thought I would accomplish.
The reality, I was absolutely miserable. It didn't make sense. I had everything I had always wanted and I hated it! I was working extra hours to pay the mortgage and other bills. I was making a lot more but somehow most months we were still living paycheck to paycheck. We had been in our new home for about a year and our stuff had again grown into our house and all the excess space was gone. Every room was filled with our "precious possessions" and the cracks were filled with nonsense. Even the unfinished basement and 3 car garage were bursting at the seams.
I was doing a pretty good job of making everyone else miserable too. Ali and I were not getting along. Trying to keep up with the housework, mischievous toddler, baby, and dog was keeping her very busy. The untidy state of the house caused me to feel like I was suffocating. I had these Mr Hyde episodes of panic and rage and our marriage was hanging by a thread.
I was losing my mind!
Thinking I should probably be admitted to a place with padded walls and rubber spoons I went to see a doctor. A "specialist" if you will.
I arrived for my appointment, paced around the waiting room and looked at outdated magazines and medical journals. Then they called my name. It was my turn and I froze. Only for a second but I froze and the thought crossed my mind "What if I am really insane?" I snapped out of it and went through the open door.
I was greeted by a young doctor who looked like M. Night Shayamalan. I sat down and we had casual small talk for a minute then he jumped into doctor mode and asked me why I was there to see him. Well, as I already told you on the million forms I had to fill out in your waiting room, I am losing my mind and making life miserable. I told him how I felt like I was being strangled and there was nothing I could do about it. This dialogue continued with questions about my childhood, my sleep habits, my relationships, my interests.... everything imaginable and it went on forever!
After this intense evaluation he told me that I was definitely dealing with moderate depression and anxiety but that they weren't his main concern. He said "Brandon, from our conversations it is evident to me that the depression and anxiety you are experiencing now and have dealt with throughout your life are being caused by untreated Attention Deficit Disorder".
I chuckled, he gave me a strange look then there was an awkward silence that lasted way too long.
He continued" I can't make an official diagnosis until we do a few more valuations and the depression is under control which is difficult because your ADD is the catalyst. That said, I have seen enough of this to tell you that it is there".
At this point I was just confused. ADD was something I had joked about with my friends in high school. It wasn't real. It was an excuse for absent minded people.
"So...what do I do?"
"Well, the benefit of diagnosis would be proper treatment and the option to prescribe medication, but I don't feel that's the right option in your case".
Then he said of the most profound things I have ever heard. It wasn't anything new but it was the context and the way he explained it. What it boiled down to....
SIMPLIFY YOUR LIFE!
I could not see my life through the chaos I had created. He recommended eliminating anything and everything I could from my life that I wasn't passionate about. he said "still pay your bills and brush your teeth, but kill all the distractions of possessions, time wasters, and even relationships that don't add value to and enrich your life".
He gave me a prescription for an anti-depressant and asked me to set an appointment to come back in 2 weeks.
I left his office and drove home feeling like I was on another planet. Everything was strange but so many things now made sense. Why I had struggled with certain subjects in school and assignments at work while I excelled at others. Why in conversation I would finish people's sentences if I felt they weren't getting to the point. Why the distraction of clutter was literally killing me.
So many things were going through my mind at that time. Like watching 50 TV channels at once. If you have ADD or another superpower you know what I'm talking about and it's not cool. It's horrible!
I had to pull over to clear my head.
What this doctor had told me made perfect sense. It was great because now I understood myself a little better and had direction. But how was I going to do it? I was about the least organized person on the planet. An absolute train wreck!
I went home and shared my experience with the wife. I told her the things the doctor had said and his recommendations. She agreed that these changes were long overdue and said she was willing to help make it happen.
I threw away the anti-depressant prescription and cancelled my return visit to crazy town and we went to work. We had a huge mountain to climb, but who better to climb it with?
To be continued...
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